A Link To Sure Failure


A friend sent me a link about dating tips for women that I found quite entertaining.

The article says the following:

Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick with rags will still turn his head. You have the advantage. You are the woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time.

Isn’t this a bit fake? What if you’re the type that really enjoys comfort? What if you find make-up a hassle and you’re comfortable with your natural look? I’ve got news for you. Many men see women who do this all the time and think, “Boy would I like to bang that.” We don’t think, “My, what a wonderfully prepared woman she is.” Mr. Right is right regardless of this myth. Mr. Right might like you dressed to the nines one day (when he bumps into you at an elevator near work) or be totally enamored with you in a dirty, torn sports-shirt (while spotting you at the laundry room at your apartment complex). The best advice I can offer is to be yourself at all times.

Never reveal information you don’t have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild.

Interesting thought. When men encounter women who try this approach we immediately start thinking she has loads of skeletons in the closet and we’re not very interested in house cleaning.

Keep dates brief, but your men interested. Less is always more.

I tend to find that less is less and more is more. A good time is rarely made better by simply cutting it off right in the middle. All that does is make us think we misread you and move on.

Try and stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym. However much you hate it, your Mr. Right loves your body as much as your mind.

People come in all shapes and sizes. Be in shape because it’s what you want. Be in shape because it’s good for your health. Don’t kill yourself at the gym because you want to try and fool a shallow guy. Once you find the right guy think about going to the gym with him if you’re both into that.

Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.

And be sure to move back to 1950 at the first opportunity. You do all this crap to find Mr. Right and then you blow it because you don’t want to go dutch at the first event? Maybe this Mr. Right is looking for someone who’s evolved enough to not be motivated by outdated gestures. These sorts of rigid rules always make me laugh when the woman follows them and then ends up with a guy who expects her to do all the cleaning, cooking, babysitting, diaper changing and pretty much everything else of note.

Ensure you receive flowers. If he doesn’t know what a florist is, dump him.

Which brings us to this amazing nugget of “wisdom”. So you do all this stuff to get Mr. Right and you dump him because he prefers to send you chocolate or takes you out to special places on special occasions instead of spending $50-$150 on something that requires attention and dies in three days?

Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.

Yes, be sure you lock him up before you risk showing him that you suck in bed. Put off all your own needs for months just so you can play games with Mr. Right. I hate to break it to you but you could spend years with the guy and if he’s very much into oral and you’re not you’re going to have a really hard time justifying why you just wasted years with Mr. Wrong because you read some idiotic rule on a website.

Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady’s prerogative.

Especially when that lady is a complete bitch. You just know from experience how much we all love waiting for an hour while you drive up the share price of your favorite make-up company. My guy friends who had women like this all got even in the end. Don’t be surprised when you find yourself waiting while they’re out “working late” for the third time this week.

Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.

Wow, I already want to break up with this heartless cretin. In fact, now I want to cheat on her too.

If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday.

That’s okay. Thursday is my “golf” night—yes even in December in Maine. Can you imagine marrying this kind of manipulative jackass? When we do get together on Friday I’d drive out into the middle of nowhere, ask her to get out to observe the romantic view, and then drive off to find real companionship back on Earth.

Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates.

I’m sensing a rather one-way sort of vibe here. Halfway through this list and so far not one thing that a man can view as a real positive at least one that’s not entirely superficial or a rapist. Are you looking for Mr. Right or a sale at Lord & Taylor?

Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.

This one had me checking the posting date to be sure it wasn’t posted on April Fool’s Day. Honey, you’re just not worth it at this point.

Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practice on a mirror if you have to.

In all my years I’ve never met anyone who said they got their great kissing skills from lots of mirror play. If you’re practicing on a mirror things are not likely to improve from here. Oh, and we’ll totally forget the kissing thing if you’re good at giving head but since you won’t sleep with us we’ve got nothing else to go on so we’ve got no choice but to dump you at this point.

Never ever talk about previous boyfriends, particularly their prowess in the bedroom. Your ex-boyfriends are your business only.

Okay, finally, one rule I can get behind here! Amazing. Fourteen rules and finally a hint of light. Good luck with the latter part of that equation. I’ve never once met a woman who doesn’t, sooner or later, tell you every last detail about all their past conquests.

Never assume anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by looking.

You know why this rule exists? Because you’ve spent an hour putting on make-up, an hour choosing a dress, an hour practicing your lines, an hour just keeping us sitting in the other room and then an hour lying to us about your entire life experience before cutting the night short after all that work. Oh, and because you’re a manipulative bitch. That’s why.

If any man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity, run like the wind. Life is too short for boys.

Don’t worry babe, you’ll have done us a big favor. Thanks.

If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace, dump him.

His shoes??? He’s got it all. He’s your type. He makes you laugh. He makes you want to have kids with him but somehow you think he can’t buy a new pair of shoes? The guy would buy a new pair of shoes but he blew all his cash on a $200 dinner, $80 for flowers and then there was that nice tip for the violinist that you’d have dumped him over if he didn’t pay to have him play for you.

Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.

Okay, so no sex, no ex-boyfriends and now no father info either. Since our dates are going to be abnormally short anyway I guess this isn’t that big a deal. You should know in advance that we also don’t care to hear about your mother and what she’d think of us either so we’re glad to offer you that small tidbit too.

Never ever come across as too available or too desperate. He will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing.

How on Earth would we ever get that idea when we can only see you once every Equinox and then only if we’ve recently replaced our footwear? By the way, running a mile from the last woman who read this crap is why our shoes look the way they do.

If the guy in the corner is gorgeous, go get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.

You go girl. Go get that gorgeous guy. Pay no attention to his protestations that he’s gay. You control the needs here. He’s just misinformed.

You may well have all the bodily functions of a man, just try not to demonstrate them early on.

We somewhat catch on when you spend 20 minutes in the bathroom every 40 minutes.

If you want a child, don’t mention it on the first few dates.

Hell, why mention it ever. Just stop taking your pill when you’re good and ready and we’ll just have to get over it.

Never ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.

I really feel for this poor soul. She clearly has gotten the short end of the dating stick and, no doubt, has been a subscriber to Cosmo for life. There’s also no doubt in my mind that her breasts are fake and her BFF will be her plastic surgeon. Any guy who is that sensitive about his mother should be the cause of another rule not a reason to avoid one.

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